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"I don't need a personal trainer; I have mastered the art of avoiding physical activity."



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I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, my phone, and my temper.

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I'm not old; I'm vintage.

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I'm not a tech wizard; I just have a special talent for breaking electronic devices.

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I'm not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

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I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

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I don't need a personal trainer; I have mastered the art of avoiding physical activity.

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I don't age; I level up.

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I don't need a life coach; I have a collection of self-help books gathering dust on my shelf.

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I'm not a morning person; I'm a morning alien—struggling to adapt to Earth's time zone.

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I'm not a worrywart; I'm a professional overthinker.

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I'm not an oversleeper; I'm just an underscheduler.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a dog.

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