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"I'm not a thrill-seeker; I'm an accident-waiting-to-happen enthusiast."
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I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, my phone, and my temper.
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I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
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I always carry a map because I get lost even when I'm walking in my own neighborhood.
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I'm not a procrastinator; I'm just on a never-ending vacation from responsibilities.
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I don't need a personal assistant; I have a calendar app to remind me of all the things I forget.
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I'm not a perfectionist; I just have really high standards that I can never meet.
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My bed and I have a special relationship. We're perfect for each other — I get to sleep, and it supports my laziness.
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I'm not a worrywart; I'm a professional over-analyzer.
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I don't need a therapist; I have a playlist of uplifting songs to lift my spirits.
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I don't need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
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I don't need a therapist; I have a collection of funny YouTube videos to cheer me up.
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I don't need a mechanic; I have a special talent for breaking things.
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I don't need a personal trainer; my cat provides all the exercise I need.
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I don't need a personal assistant; I have a virtual assistant that rarely understands my requests.
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I'm not a workaholic; I just have a strong work-is-my-only-hobby game.
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I'm not a hypochondriac; I'm just well-informed about the vast array of diseases and symptoms.
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I don't need a personal trainer; I have mastered the art of scrolling through workout routines.
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I don't need a chauffeur; I have a habit of getting lost even with GPS.
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I don't need a therapist; retail therapy is my cure.
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I'm not a snob; I just have refined taste buds.
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I'm not a morning person; I'm a morning mess.
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
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I'm not a shopaholic; I'm just a dedicated supporter of the economy.
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I don't need a personal assistant; I have my smartphone.
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I'm not a know-it-all; I just know a lot of useless information.
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I don't need a life coach; I have an inspirational quote app on my phone.
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I don't need a personal shopper; I have an addiction to online window shopping.
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I'm not a tech expert; I'm just really good at breaking electronic devices.
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I'm not a scatterbrain; I just have a mind that likes to wander in various directions.
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I don't need a chauffeur; I have a sense of direction that never fails to mislead me.
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I'm not a hypochondriac; I'm just an avid reader of medical articles.
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I don't need a personal chef; I have mastered the art of ordering takeout.
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I'm not a techie; I'm just fluent in speaking to electronic devices like they understand me.
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I'm not a mind reader; I just pretend to know what people are thinking.
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I don't need a personal chef; I have mastered the art of microwave gourmet.
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I don't need a chef; I have mastered the art of eating out.
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I'm not a pessimist; I'm an optimistic realist—hoping for the best but prepared for the worst.
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I'm not a procrastinator; I just like to live on the edge of deadlines.
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I don't need a therapist; I have a playlist of uplifting music to boost my mood.
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I'm not a chatterbox; I just have verbal diarrhea.
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I don't need a life coach; I have a collection of motivational memes on my phone.
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I don't need a life coach; I have motivational quotes on my fridge magnets.
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I don't need a prince charming; I need a man who can open pickle jars.
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I'm not a daydreamer; I'm a professional escapist.
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I don't need a housekeeper; I have a cleaning-when-guests-are-coming strategy.
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I don't need a fashion consultant; I have my own unique style... or so I'm told.
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I'm not a party animal; I'm a party dinosaur—extinct most of the time, but wild when I appear.
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I don't need a fitness tracker; my pet ensures I get my daily exercise by constantly demanding attention.
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I'm not a picky eater; I just have a discriminating palate.
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I'm not a tech guru; I just have a natural ability to break electronic devices with a single touch.
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