Quote



"I'm not a pessimist; I'm an undercover optimist with low expectations."



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I don't need a personal assistant; I need a personal chef.

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I'm not a grammar police officer; I'm just a vigilant defender of the English language.

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I'm not old; I'm vintage.

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I don't need a vacation; I need a teleportation device.

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I'm not a shopaholic; I'm helping the economy.

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I don't need a therapist; I have my pet to listen to my problems without judgment.

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I don't need a personal chef; I have mastered the art of microwave gourmet.

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I'm not a snob; I just have refined taste buds.

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I don't snore; I dream I'm a motorcycle.

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I'm not short; I'm fun-sized.

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I'm not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

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I'm not a procrastinator; I'm just on a never-ending vacation from responsibilities.

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I don't need a therapist; I have friends who give terrible advice.

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I'm not a daydreamer; I'm a master of creating my alternate reality.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a playlist of motivational cat videos.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a dog.

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I don't need a personal trainer; I have a membership at a gym I never go to.

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I don't need a fitness tracker; my dog ensures I get my daily exercise by begging for walks.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a WhatsApp group chat for venting purposes.

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I'm not a morning person; I'm a morning alien—struggling to adapt to Earth's time zone.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a playlist of uplifting podcasts.

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I don't need a personal shopper; I have a knack for finding the most expensive items without trying.

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