Quote



"I don't need a motivational speaker; I have my alarm clock."



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I'm not fat; I'm just easier to see.

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I don't need a personal trainer; I have a subscription to a gym I rarely visit.

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I'm not old; I'm vintage.

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I don't snore; I dream I'm a chainsaw.

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I'm not a morning person; I'm a morning zombie—dead inside until I have coffee.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a collection of funny videos to brighten my day.

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I'm not clumsy; it's just the floor hates me.

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I'm not a hypochondriac; I'm just on intimate terms with WebMD.

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

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