Quote



"I'm not a morning person; I'm a caffeine-dependent life form."



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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

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I don't need a chauffeur; I have a habit of getting lost even with GPS.

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I'm not clumsy; I'm just dancing to the beat of my own drumstick.

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I'm not a morning person; I'm a morning sloth—slowly waking up and clinging to my bed.

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I don't need a gym; my bank account keeps me fit.

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I'm not a worrywart; I'm a professional over-analyzer.

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I don't need a personal assistant; I need a personal chef.

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I don't need a fitness tracker; my pet keeps me active with constant demands for attention.

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I don't need a therapist; retail therapy is my cure.

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I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, my phone, and my temper.

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