Quote



"I don't need a chef; I have a microwave and a cookbook."



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I don't need a therapist; I have a dog.

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I tried being normal once. It was the worst five minutes of my life.

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I'm not a daydreamer; I'm a visionary with a distracted mind.

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I'm not a chef; I'm just really good at burning things.

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I'm not a multitasker; I'm just really good at doing multiple things poorly.

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I'm not crazy; I'm just mentally hilarious.

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I'm not a party animal; I'm a party dinosaur—extinct most of the time, but wild when I appear.

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I'm not a troublemaker; I'm just creatively mischievous.

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I'm not a morning person; I'm a morning zombie—walking through life in a caffeine-induced haze.

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I'm not a psychic; I just have a sixth sense for predicting when pizza will arrive.

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I'm not a gossip; I just have a keen interest in people's lives.

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I'm not a grammar police officer; I'm just a vigilant defender of the English language.

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I don't need a chef; I have mastered the art of eating out.

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I don't need a driver; I have a great sense of direction—it's just usually the wrong one.

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I don't need a reality show; my life is already a sitcom.

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I don't need a therapist; retail therapy is my cure.

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I'm not a perfectionist; I'm an aspiring perfectionist who never quite gets there.

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I don't make mistakes; I date them.

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I'm not a troublemaker; I'm just misunderstood... and frequently caught.

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I'm not a couch potato; I'm a sitting enthusiast.

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I put the 'pro' in procrastinate.

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I don't need a life coach; I have a collection of self-help books gathering dust on my shelf.

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I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, my phone, and my temper.

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I don't age; I level up.

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I don't need a life coach; I have an unlimited supply of self-help books.

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I don't need a personal shopper; I have an online shopping addiction.

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I'm not a pessimist; I'm an undercover optimist with realistic expectations.

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I don't need an alarm clock; my kids jump on me to wake me up.

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I'm not a workaholic; I just have a strong aversion to being bored.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a collection of funny videos to brighten my day.

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I'm not clumsy; it's just the floor hates me.

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I'm not a mind reader; I just have a talent for guessing what people are thinking and being wrong.

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I'm not a night owl; I'm a night adventurer—exploring the depths of the internet and the fridge.

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I don't need a personal shopper; I have an unlimited supply of cute online stores.

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I don't need a personal assistant; I have a calendar app to remind me of all the things I forget.

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I'm not a tech guru; I just have a natural ability to break electronic devices with a single touch.

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