Quote



"I'm not a hypochondriac; I'm just on intimate terms with WebMD."



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I'm not a hypochondriac; I'm just a self-diagnosing medical enthusiast.

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I don't need a life coach; I have a refrigerator magnet with inspirational quotes.

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I don't need a driver; I have my imagination to transport me anywhere.

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I'm not a night owl; I'm a night adventurer—exploring the depths of the internet and the fridge.

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I don't need a personal shopper; I have an online cart full of things I'll never buy.

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I'm not late; everyone else is just early.

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I'm not a grammar nerd; I'm a grammar superhero, here to save the language from typos and misspellings.

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I don't age; I level up.

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I don't need a therapist; I have my pet to listen to my problems without judgment.

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I'm not a procrastinator; I'm just embracing the fine art of last-minute creativity.

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I don't need a chauffeur; I have a habit of getting lost even with GPS.

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I'm not a troublemaker; I'm just misunderstood... and frequently caught.

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I'm not a drama queen; I'm a drama scientist—experimenting with emotions.

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I'm not a party animal; I'm a party sloth—slowly enjoying every moment.

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I'm not addicted to chocolate; I just have a committed relationship with it.

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I don't need a personal assistant; I have sticky notes scattered all over my desk.

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I'm not a pessimist; I'm an optimist with a realistic perspective.

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I tried being normal once. It was the worst five minutes of my life.

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I'm not a snacker; I'm a connoisseur of bite-sized delights.

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I don't need a life coach; I have my own internal monologue.

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I put the 'pro' in procrastinate.

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

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I'm not a techie; I'm just fluent in speaking to electronic devices like they understand me.

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I'm not old; I'm vintage.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a collection of funny videos to brighten my day.

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I'm not a morning person; I'm a morning zombie—dead inside until I have coffee.

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I don't need a personal trainer, my metabolism keeps me in shape... round is a shape, right?

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I don't need a therapist; I have a playlist of motivational cat videos.

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I'm not a picky eater; I just have a discriminating palate.

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I don't snore; I dream I'm a chainsaw.

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I always carry a map because I get lost even when I'm walking in my own neighborhood.

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I'm not a snacker; I'm a professional taster of snacks.

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I'm not a pessimist; I'm an undercover optimist with low expectations.

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I don't need a mechanic; I have a special talent for breaking things.

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I'm not a grammar police officer; I'm a grammar superhero, here to save the world from grammatical errors.

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My bed and I have a special relationship. We're perfect for each other — I get to sleep, and it supports my laziness.

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I don't need a personal assistant; I have my phone's voice assistant that never understands me.

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I'm not a perfectionist; I'm an aspiring perfectionist who never quite gets there.

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I'm not a mind reader; I just have excellent guessing skills.

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I don't need a life coach; I have an inspirational quote app on my phone.

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I'm not a workaholic; I'm just extremely passionate about taking frequent breaks.

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I'm not a picky eater; I'm just highly selective in my culinary adventures.

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I'm not a morning person; I'm a morning zombie—struggling to function without my daily dose of caffeine.

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I don't need a personal chef; I have mastered the art of ordering takeout.

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I don't need a fitness tracker; my dog ensures I get enough exercise by pulling me on walks.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a playlist of uplifting songs.

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I don't need a personal shopper; I have an impeccable sense of confusion.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a playlist of uplifting podcasts.

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