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"I'm not addicted to coffee. We're just in a committed relationship."



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I'm not a psychic; I just have a strong intuition for predicting my own mistakes.

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I'm not a morning person; I'm a morning monster.

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I don't need a fashion consultant; I have my own unique style... or so I'm told.

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I don't need a personal assistant; I have Post-it notes everywhere.

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I tried being normal once. It was the worst five minutes of my life.

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I don't need a personal assistant; I have my phone's voice assistant that never understands me.

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I'm not a mind reader; I just pretend to know what people are thinking.

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I don't need a prince charming; I need a man who can open pickle jars.

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I'm not a pessimist; I'm an undercover optimist with low expectations.

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I don't need a personal shopper; I have an impeccable sense of confusion.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a playlist of uplifting podcasts.

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I'm not a daydreamer; I'm a professional imagination explorer.

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I don't need a personal trainer; my dog walks me.

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I don't need a fitness tracker; my dog ensures I get my daily steps chasing after him.

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I'm not clumsy; I'm just dancing to the beat of my own drumstick.

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I don't need a chauffeur; I have a habit of getting lost even with GPS.

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I'm not a mind reader; I just have a talent for guessing what people are thinking and being wrong.

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I'm not a grammar enthusiast; I'm a grammar warrior—defending the language against misspellings and typos.

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I don't need a personal shopper; I have an addiction to online window shopping.

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I'm not a perfectionist; I'm an aspiring perfectionist who never quite gets there.

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I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode.

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I'm not a workaholic; I just have a strong aversion to being bored.

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I'm not a hypochondriac; I'm just on intimate terms with WebMD.

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I'm not clumsy; gravity just likes me a little too much.

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I don't need a driver; I have my imagination to take me on epic road trips.

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I'm not a hoarder; I'm a collector of memories and things that may be useful someday... maybe.

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I'm not a perfectionist; I'm a perfectionist in progress—learning to embrace imperfections.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a collection of funny YouTube videos to cheer me up.

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