Quote



"I'm not a psychic; I just have a sixth sense for predicting when pizza will arrive."



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I'm not a perfectionist; I just have really high standards that I can never meet.

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I don't need a personal trainer, my metabolism keeps me in shape... round is a shape, right?

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I'm not a chef; I'm just really good at burning things.

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I'm not a troublemaker; I'm just misunderstood... and frequently caught.

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I'm not a daydreamer; I'm a professional escapist.

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I'm not a hypochondriac; I'm just on intimate terms with WebMD.

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I'm not a workaholic; I just enjoy being productive in my own unique way—by taking frequent breaks.

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I don't need a personal trainer; I have a membership at a gym I never go to.

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I don't need a personal assistant; I have a virtual assistant that rarely understands my requests.

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I don't need a personal shopper; I have an online cart full of things I'll never buy.

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I'm not a morning person; I'm a morning zombie—struggling to function without my daily dose of caffeine.

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I'm not a morning person; I'm a morning alien—struggling to adapt to Earth's time zone.

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I'm not indecisive; I just prefer to explore all the options.

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I'm not clumsy; it's just the floor hates me.

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I'm not a party animal; I'm a party panda—rarely seen in public, but a legend when spotted.

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I'm not a night owl; I'm a night giraffe—elegant and tall, stumbling in the dark.

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I'm not a morning person; I'm a morning monster.

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I can resist everything except temptation... and pizza.

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

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I don't need a personal trainer; my dog walks me.

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I don't need a gym; my bank account keeps me fit.

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