Quote



"I don't make mistakes; I date them."



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I'm not a daydreamer; I'm a master of creating my alternate reality.

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I don't need a personal trainer; I have my own dance moves to embarrass myself with.

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I'm not clumsy; gravity just likes me a little too much.

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I'm not a night owl; I'm a night giraffe—elegant and tall, stumbling in the dark.

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I'm not a workaholic; I'm just extremely passionate about taking frequent breaks.

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I don't need a fitness tracker; my pet keeps me active with constant demands for attention.

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I'm not a snacker; I'm a connoisseur of bite-sized delights.

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I'm not a workaholic; I just have a strong work-is-my-only-hobby game.

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I'm not an oversleeper; I'm just a dream enthusiast.

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I don't need a hairstylist; I have a natural talent for bedhead glamour.

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I don't need anger management; people just need to stop irritating me.

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I don't need a life coach; I have motivational quotes plastered all over my walls.

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I'm not a math genius; I just have a special talent for calculating how much sleep I'm losing.

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

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I'm not a klutz; I'm just an expert at rearranging the floor with my feet.

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I don't need a gym; my bank account keeps me fit.

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I don't need a personal shopper; I have a knack for finding the most expensive items without trying.

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I'm not a chatterbox; I just have verbal diarrhea.

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I'm not a thrill-seeker; I'm an accident-waiting-to-happen enthusiast.

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I'm not a workaholic; I'm just passionate about avoiding work.

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I don't need a motivational speaker; I have my alarm clock.

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I don't need a personal assistant; I have a calendar app to remind me of all the things I forget.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a dog.

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I'm not a know-it-all; I just know a lot of useless information.

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I'm not a tech wizard; I just have a special talent for breaking electronic devices.

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I'm not late; everyone else is just early.

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I don't need a personal chef; I have mastered the art of microwaving.

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I don't need a therapist; I have my own comedy show in my head.

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I'm not addicted to chocolate; I just have a committed relationship with it.

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I'm not a mind reader; I just have excellent guessing skills.

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I'm not a morning person; I'm a morning zombie—dead inside until I have coffee.

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I'm not old; I'm vintage.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a playlist of feel-good songs.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a playlist of motivational cat videos.

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I'm not a party pooper; I'm just an expert in finding excuses to stay home.

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I don't need a personal assistant; I have my phone's voice assistant that never understands me.

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I don't need a personal chef; I have mastered the art of ordering takeout.

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I don't need a chef; I have a microwave and a cookbook.

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I don't need a therapist; I have a WhatsApp group chat for venting purposes.

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I'm not a gossip; I just have a keen interest in people's lives.

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I don't need a chauffeur; I have a habit of getting lost even with GPS.

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I don't need a personal chef; I have mastered the art of takeout.

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I'm not a mind reader; I just have a talent for guessing what people are thinking and being wrong.

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I'm not a shopaholic; I'm helping the economy.

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I'm not a multitasker; I'm just really good at doing multiple things poorly.

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I don't need a life coach; I have my own internal monologue.

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I'm not a scatterbrain; I just have a mind that likes to wander in various directions.

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I'm not a worrywart; I'm a professional overthinker.

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I don't need a personal shopper; I have an unlimited supply of cute online stores.

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I don't need an encyclopedia; I have Google.

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