Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh
Laughter is the best medicine, and it’s even better when it comes from funny quotes. These quotes can help you forget your troubles and just enjoy a good laugh.
In this blog post, we’ve collected 100 of the funniest quotes to help you laugh your way through the day. We hope you find them as funny as we do!
- “I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to rearrange the world.” – Unknown
- “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.” – Unknown
- “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” – Unknown
- “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
- “I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown
- “I’m not a photographer, but I can picture us together.” – Unknown
- “I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just in a committed relationship.” – Unknown
- “I’m not shy, I’m just quietly plotting your downfall.” – Unknown
- “I don’t need anger management, people just need to stop irritating me!” – Unknown
- “I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.” – Unknown
- “I’m not clumsy, I’m just dancing with the floor.” – Unknown
- “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Unknown
- “I’m not a morning person. I’m a ‘give me coffee and nobody gets hurt’ person.” – Unknown
- “I don’t make mistakes, I date them.” – Unknown
- “I’m not short, I’m just more down to earth than most people.” – Unknown
- “I don’t need a hairstylist, I’m naturally good at messing up my hair.” – Unknown
- “I don’t have a beer belly, I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.” – Unknown
- “I’m not lazy, I’m just in energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
- “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
- “I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to test the durability of things.” – Unknown
- “I don’t snore, I dream I’m a motorcycle.” – Unknown
- “I’m not forgetful, I’m just selectively remembering important things.” – Unknown
- “I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.” – Unknown
- “I’m not addicted to chocolate, chocolate is addicted to me.” – Unknown
- “I don’t need a personal trainer, I need someone to follow me around and slap the unhealthy food out of my hand.” – Unknown
- “I’m not a baker, but I can make your heart rise.” – Unknown
- “I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown
- “I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.” – Unknown
- “I don’t snore, I dream I’m a chainsaw.” – Unknown
- “I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for future use.” – Unknown
- “I’m not clumsy, I’m just participating in a spontaneous dance-off with the furniture.” – Unknown
- “I don’t need a therapist, I have a dog.” – Unknown
- “I’m not forgetful, I just have selective memory.” – Unknown
- “I don’t need a personal trainer, I need someone to follow me around and smack unhealthy food out of my hand.” – Unknown
- “I’m not clumsy, I’m just participating in a spontaneous dance-off with the floor.” – Unknown
- “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.” – Albert Einstein
- “Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway.” – Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
- “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.” – Dwight Schrute, The Office
- “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” – W.C. Fields
- “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” – Garry Shandling
- “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. And I also know that I’m not blonde.” – Dolly Parton
- “No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You’re old, you sag, get over it.” – Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
- “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” – Oprah Winfrey
- “I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat.” – Pam Beesly, The Office
- “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” – Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias
- “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you.” – Rita Mae Brown
- “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” – Charlotte Whitton
- “Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin’ across your face.” – Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
- “Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” – Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls
- “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” – Charlie Brown
- “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
- “I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.” – Bill Watterson
- “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott, The Office
- “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” – Mindy Kaling
- “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” —George Burns
- “I drink to make other people more interesting.” – Ernest Hemingway
- “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” – Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
- “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” – W.C. Fields
- “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball
- “When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.'” – Groucho Marx
- “I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.” – Oscar Wilde
- “A woman is like a tea bag: You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
- “People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
- “Even I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.” – Cindy Crawford
- “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” – Mark Twain
- “Don’t waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living.” – Meryl Streep
- “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
- “I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” – Kevin Malone, The Office
- “I love mankind… it’s people I can’t stand!!” – Charles M. Schulz
- “I don’t trust anyone who does their own hair. I don’t think it’s natural.” – Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
- “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” – Joan Rivers
- “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
- “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom
- “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” – Stanley Hudson, The Office
- “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” – Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
- “Well, you know what they say: If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.” – Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
- “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” – Mae West
- “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.” – James Branch Cabell
- “Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.” – Luis Buñuel
- “People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” – Dolly Parton
- “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” – Mae West
- “When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
- “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite
- “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” – Isaac Asimov
We hope you enjoyed this collection of funny quotes. Remember, laughter is good for your health, so don’t be afraid to let loose and have a good laugh.