Funny Quotes to Start Your Day
Starting your day with a smile can set the tone for the rest of the day. One way to do this is to read funny quotes. Funny quotes can help you laugh at yourself, your problems, and the world around you.
In this blog post, we’ve collected 50+ funny quotes to help you start your day off right. We hope you find them as funny as we do!
- “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”
- “I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”
- “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.”
- “I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.”
- “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott
- “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.”
- “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
- “I’m not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
- “I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.'”
- “I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.”
- “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
- “I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.”
- “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”
- “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
- “I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.”
- “I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”
- “I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
- “I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”
- “I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just in a committed relationship.”
- “I don’t snore, I dream I’m a motorcycle.” – Unknown
- “I’m not forgetful, I’m just selectively remembering important things.” – Unknown
- “I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.” – Unknown
- “I’m not addicted to chocolate, chocolate is addicted to me.” – Unknown
- “I don’t need a personal trainer, I need someone to follow me around and slap the unhealthy food out of my hand.” – Unknown
- “I’m not a baker, but I can make your heart rise.” – Unknown
- “I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown
- “I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.” – Unknown
- “I don’t snore, I dream I’m a chainsaw.” – Unknown
- “I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for future use.” – Unknown
- “I’m not clumsy, I’m just participating in a spontaneous dance-off with the furniture.” – Unknown
- “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” – Garry Shandling
- “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. And I also know that I’m not blonde.” – Dolly Parton
- “No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You’re old, you sag, get over it.” – Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
- “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” – Oprah Winfrey
- “I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat.” – Pam Beesly, The Office
- “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” – Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias
- “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you.” – Rita Mae Brown
- “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” – Charlotte Whitton
- “Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin’ across your face.” – Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
- “Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” – Blanche
- “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom
- “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” – Stanley Hudson, The Office
- “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” – Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
- “Well, you know what they say: If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.” – Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
- “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” – Mae West
- “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.” – James Branch Cabell
- “Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.” – Luis Buñuel
- “People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” – Dolly Parton
- “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” – Mae West
- “When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
These funny quotes are sure to bring a smile to your face and start your day with a good laugh. They offer a lighthearted perspective on life’s quirks and everyday situations. Share them with others to spread the joy and humor. Remember, laughter is a great way to lighten the mood and enjoy the little moments in life.
We hope you enjoyed this collection of funny quotes to start your day. Remember, laughter is a great way to relieve stress and improve your mood. So keep reading these quotes, and let them help you start your day with a smile!